When I first got my own classroom, I swore I wasn’t going to be the “mean” teacher. Other teachers told me things like, “Don’t smile until December” or “Be strict right away.” But I didn’t want to be that teacher. I wanted my students to feel safe, seen, and cared for.

The problem? I overcompensated. I was too nice. My students didn’t respect me, and they stopped listening to me. Suddenly, I realized I wasn’t the leader of the classroom anymore—I was more like their friend.

And let me tell you, once students see you as “just another classmate,” things spiral quickly. The good news? You can absolutely reset without being “mean.” I had to save my own school year by learning this the hard way, and I’m here to share exactly what worked.

Why This Happens More Often Than You Think

If you’ve found yourself in this position, you’re not alone. It happens to so many new teachers (myself included). Here’s why:

• We want to build strong relationships with our students.

• In our effort to do so, we sometimes swing too far to the extreme—being overly lenient, overly kind, or overly casual.

• Without boundaries, students stop seeing us as leaders.

Here’s the truth: respect is the foundation of strong relationships.
Students thrive when they have a leader they can look up to—someone who makes them feel safe, seen, and cared for. They don’t need you to be another classmate. They need you to be their teacher.

Steps to Reset Without Being “Mean”

1. Reteach and Reinforce Boundaries

One year, I had students messaging me late at night just to chat. That’s when I realized my boundaries weren’t clear enough. So I reset expectations. Boundaries aren’t about being mean; they’re about protecting both you and your students so learning can happen.

2. Follow Through on Consequences

One of the quickest ways to lose respect is by giving warning after warning without follow-through. Instead:

• If a student makes a mess, have them clean it up instead of giving a vague warning.

• If students can’t line up respectfully, have them practice until they get it right.

Consistent follow-through shows your students you mean what you say.

3. Use Neutral, Unattached Language

When giving a consequence, your tone matters. Speak matter-of-factly without emotion:

• “You chose to talk while I was giving directions, so now you’ll need to…”
  This way, the consequence is tied to the behavior—not the student’s worth. It’s not personal, it’s just cause and effect.

4. Find the Balance

This is where your intuition comes in.

• If something feels aligned with your values, do it.

• If it feels like you’re just doing it because you “should,” pause.

For me, I found I could be kind, fun, approachable, and caring while still being respected as the leader. It’s not about choosing between being “strict” or being “nice.” It’s about showing up as both: the leader and the supportive teacher.

And remember—it takes time to reset. Be patient with yourself.

Wrap Up

If you’ve realized you accidentally became “friends” with your students instead of their teacher, you’re not stuck. Let’s recap:

• This happens more often than you think—it doesn’t mean you’re a bad teacher.

• Respect > Friendship. Students need you to be their leader.

• Reset with boundaries, follow-through, and neutral language.

• Find your balance of being both supportive and respected—it’s possible.

Next Steps

Want more support with classroom management? Here are some resources to help you reset with confidence:

• Classroom Management Guide  – a free resource to get you started.

• Classroom Management Bundle  – everything you need to establish, reset, and maintain classroom systems.

• The Present Teacher Circle  – join the community for ongoing support, resources, and coaching.